I don’t know what to write about; but I yearn to write like if I don’t, something bad will happen. When I was younger, words came so easily to me. I felt like I had something to say. These days it feels like if I say the wrong thing, I’ll have a million people knocking at my door asking: “How could you?”
Does that mean I’ve locked away the words behind a vault in my head and thrown away the key? Perhaps. I can’t help but imagine myself rummaging through a dark room deep in my mind, searching for a needle in the haystack. It’s more likely I’ll poke myself and still lose it.
Is this what they call Writer’s Block? It’s a terrible thing to experience as a writer. It’s like being held hostage, threatened to have your favorite thing taken from you if you so much as make a noise. I try and find other outlets for the creativity begging to be let free. I even created a t-shirt to support my budding business (or — let’s face it — my side project hoping to be a business one day). I’ve created worksheets in the hopes of creating something fun to one day sell on my website, yet it’s still sitting as a PDF in my files. Demeaning thoughts tell me that it’s useless to the average person, even though I have no clear proof of it.
Reading other’s success online just reminds me that I don’t put enough hours into the business I want to create. How could I? Working full-time and going to school full-time. It’s hard to believe myself when I say it’s still a possibility. Fancy SEO tools are more than I can afford, yet I tell myself if I had them, I’d be able to support my business. So I’m stuck sitting here in this limbo I’ve created between desire and practicality. How do I dig myself out of this hole?
One sentence at a time. One practice at a time. One day at a time, rather than an imaginary expectation of where I should be. It’s difficult. Just as I’m sure it’s difficult for any other writer out there trying to figure out their place in this digital world. In the beginning it started as a dream to write a book. Then I quickly realized how that process usually covers a few years between writing and edits. I had other things on my mind that I wanted to write about; mental health, psychology, life. These are the things that could one day make an impact on someone’s life if only I could articulate it properly. It’s my other goal which gets neglected because it brings me back to that original thought: “How could you?”
Years ago I had a blog that detailed my turbulent life through recovery. Nobody really read it, except for maybe a couple people in my personal life. But the words I spilled onto the page seemed to have a purpose. Not only did I want to get the thoughts out of my head, but I felt that they could help someone in the same boat. Because I remember reading someone else’s story, which jumpstarted my decision to seek help. Now their non-profit is marked on my body as a constant reminder that things can get better.
So where does this spiel leave me now? I can feel the words disappearing from my thoughts as I run out of creative juice. Do I leave this piece as an entry for myself or do I reveal it on one of my websites? If progress is what I want, I think it’s the latter. Sometimes something so simple can be exactly what another needs. Even if in the end it brings me back to that original thought that’s become Writer Block’s friend.
